More on Filling Voids

When I spoke of my mother having voids to fill..... it was more than just having children of her own - something I couldn't help her with obviously. My father's family never really accepted her. She was a country girl, they were city people & saw themselves as better than her. She strived her whole life to gain their respect. She never fully realized, even after they were all dead & gone along with my father, that their respect didn't define her in any way.

I tried to make her understand that as long as she harbored the resentment she felt towards then that she could never be free. I gave her the example of my second failed marriage. My second husband, my oldest daughter's father, was physically & emotionally abusive to me. Threatened to kill me. Told me repeatedly that I was lucky that he'd have me, I was already "used goods" & could never find anyone to want me. When I finally got the courage to leave him, after all the drama & legalities, I put all that behind me. I never dwelled on the damage he had inflicted on me because I understood that by doing that he would win. He would succeed in ruining me as he had intended to do. So I let it go. I didn't let it consume me, I didn't let resentment & bitterness become my companion. That's what she needed to do. She dwelled on the fact that her children were never really hers, that her marriage never became what she wanted, that her husband "held her back from things she wanted to do in life." She was only 61 when she died. She had time to pursue most of the things she'd always wanted in life. Instead she wrapped herself in bitterness & gave in to the void. I can only hope that she is now happy.

Myself, I made the conscious decision to let go of the bad, not harbor resentment, not become bitter - to be happy before I leave this earth. Don't get me wrong. My life's not been any bowl of cherries! After my mother died my 3rd marriage ended because of my husband's bipolar disorder & psychoses that he refused to attend to. The relationship became dangerous for my children & myself. I had wanted to live in Savannah, Ga my whole life. So we moved here.

When we first got here I landed a temp job with the City making a small salary & was receiving no child support because my mentally unstable ex quit his job & opted to go homeless in California. So we were flat broke. I could barely feed us & put a roof over our heads. But I put a bowl of candy @ my desk & smiled & chatted & worked hard. I gained from that. Gained respect of my bosses who quickly made my position permanent so that improved my financial position. Months later my boss learned just what my situation was & had been... he was floored, had no idea. And marveled at my positive attitude through that. I simply explained that had I sat at that desk with a long face & pitiful attitude I wouldn't have made friends or gotten that permanent job! He whole heartedly agreed. Did my life as an adoptee contribute to this strength? Perhaps..... I've learned from an early age to turn lemons into lemonade :)